Say Huh? Karaoke
by Jadyn
Summary: The karaoke bit may have been done, but it's never been done like this.
1. And So it Begins...

Say Huh? Karaoke  
  
And So it Begins…  
  
   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone except Jadyn. Shelly/Kanetastic owns herself. The wrestlers belong to WWF and Vinnie Mac. Gambit/Remy belongs to Marvel Comics. Spike belongs to Joss Whedon. And that's everyone.  
  
*-denotes singing  
  
~~~  
  
-JADYN walks onto a large stage, which is lit by neon lights. She is holding a microphone and is dressed in a Vegas-style evening gown-  
  
JADYN: Hi there, and welcome to Say Huh? Karaoke. The rules are the same as MTV's version; you sing, my guest judges decide who's the best and that person wins a cool, secret surprise present! So what do you say we meet the super-secret guest judges?  
  
-A tape of a crowd cheering plays-  
  
JADYN: First, we have one of my muses. You may know him as The Ragin' Cajun or Gambit, but I prefer to call him 'mon ami'. From the infamous X-Men comics, Remy LeBeau.  
  
-The tape plays again as REMY waves to the non-existent crowd-  
  
REMY: 'Ow are you doin', chere?  
  
JADYN: Fine, Remy. Next, another of my muses. He's a bleach-blonde vampire with a taste for villainy and the Slayer, and he's here to judge on your style. From "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", Spike!  
  
-That damn tape plays again as SPIKE blows a kiss to the hostess-  
  
SPIKE: Hello, luv.  
  
JADYN: Oh, Spikey. And last, but certainly not least, she's an author who plays it naughty. Her résumé includes such steamy tales as "Take Me" and "Live and Learn". She writes as Kanetastic, but here comes your overall- performance judge, Shelly!  
  
-The tape plays, and JADYN promptly crushes the tape-player with a mallet. SHELLY smiles and waves-  
  
SHELLY: Hey.  
  
JADYN: Hello, Shelly. Alright, now we have to meet our karaoke-performers. First up, he hails from Pittsburgh, P-A. He's a sissy and a wannabe, but today he's going to try and win on his own. Please welcome… Kurt Angle!  
  
-SPIKE and REMY clap. SHELLY chants that he sucks. A real AUDIENCE, which has been herded in by six heavily-muscled, loin-cloth clad men, applauds loudly. They're fearing for their lives. Heh-  
  
SHELLY: Boo! Angle sucks!  
  
JADYN: Now, now children. Kurt, what are you going to sing?  
  
KURT: I'm going to sing my version of "Stronger" by Britney Spears.  
  
SPIKE: This I gotta see.  
  
JADYN: Um, okay. Everyone, here's Kurt Angle singing "Stronger"!  
  
-The lights go out, and when they turn back on, Kurt is wearing a pair of lace leggings and a bandeau-  
  
KURT: *Hush, just stop  
  
There's nothing you can do or say, baby.  
  
I won the medals fair-and-square  
  
So you can't take them away!*  
  
   
  
*You all think that I can't make it without Vince*  
  
   
  
*But now I'm stronger than yesterday  
  
Now it's nothing but my way.  
  
Your rudeness isn't killin' me no more,  
  
'Cause now I'm stronger*  
  
   
  
*Than you ever thought that I could be, baby.  
  
I used to be your hero  
  
It's true! You all were in love with me!*  
  
   
  
*And you might think that your chants hurt me, but you're wrong*  
  
   
  
*'Cause now I'm stronger than yesterday  
  
Now it's nothing but my way.  
  
Your rudeness isn't killin' me no more,  
  
'Cause now I'm stronger*  
  
   
  
*Here I go, to the store now  
  
I need some milk, that tasty milk!*  
  
   
  
*'Cause now I'm stronger than yesterday  
  
Now it's nothing but my way.  
  
Your rudeness isn't killin' me no more,  
  
'Cause now I'm stronger!*  
  
   
  
-KURT bows, his face flushed. The judges look at each other, making faces about his performance. JADYN takes the stage with a sweaty KURT-  
  
JADYN: Well, Kurt, how do you feel about how you did?  
  
KURT: I feel good about it. I feel really good about it.  
  
JADYN: All righty then. It's time for your scores. We start with our lyrics judge, Remy.  
  
REMY: Homme, dat was, uh, good, I guess. Remy'll give you a five, ok?  
  
KURT: You don't know talent when you see it!  
  
REMY: Dat was not talent, mon ami. Dat was somt'in else.  
  
JADYN: All right, Kurt. As of now, your score is five. Let's see what our style judge had to say.  
  
SPIKE: Mate, you have absolutely no idea how much you look like Britney Spears right now. If you were a girl, I'd call you pet, sink my teeth into you and we could have a right splendid time. But, unfortunately, you're a man. So I have to give you a three.  
  
KURT: What?  
  
-KURT bursts into tears-  
  
JADYN: There, there. Now your score is eight. And we move onto our overall- performance judge, Shelly.  
  
SHELLY: Kurt, this is the one thing I never thought I'd say, but… you look okay as Britney. And you tried hard, so you get a two.  
  
-KURT faints-  
  
JADYN: Okay! That brings Kurt's score to an even ten. After this commercial break, we'll have another contestant, so stay tuned!  
  
-The AUDIENCE cheers, threatened by JADYN'S men. The screen closes on JADYN and the judges talking, with KURT lying on the floor-  
  
  


	2. The Madness Ensues...

Say Huh? Karaoke  
  
The Madness Ensues…  
  
   
  
Disclaimer: See previous chapter.  
  
~~~  
  
-The screen opens on JADYN standing on-stage, microphone in hand. KURT has been swept somewhere-  
  
JADYN: Welcome back to the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. No, wait, that's "Whose Line is It Anyway?". The points do matter here. Time to re-meet our almost-celebrity judges! First, judging lyrics, Remy LeBeau!  
  
-REMY waves-  
  
JADYN: Next, judging style, Spike!  
  
-SPIKE grins-  
  
JADYN: And last, judging performance, Shelly!  
  
-SHELLY leaps into the camera like a rabid TRL fan-  
  
JADYN: Someone get that girl her shots! Anyway, who knows what it's time for?  
  
AUDIENCE: Uhhh…  
  
JADYN: That's right! It's time for our next contestant!  
  
-The AUDIENCE cheers-  
  
JADYN: From Victoria, Texas, he's a bald S.O.B. and he's here to…beat the living [expletive deleted] out of his competitors? Who wrote that on the card? Anyway, Steve Austin!  
  
-STEVE AUSTIN comes out flicking the AUDIENCE off. They cheer madly-  
  
JADYN: Well, Steve, what are you performing today?  
  
STEVE: What?  
  
JADYN: I said…  
  
STEVE: What?  
  
AUDIENCE: What?  
  
STEVE: What? I'm gonna sing my version of "Gone" by NSYNC. What? And if anybody has a problem, they can come and "discuss" it with me.  
  
JADYN: Okay… Here's Steve doing his version of "Gone"!  
  
-The lights dim and when they come back up, STEVE is wearing all name- brands and leather pants-  
  
STEVE: *There's a thousand moves that I could do  
  
To win you back home.  
  
Seems so long ago I lost you, gold  
  
To Chris Jericho.  
  
And I remember how you fit 'round my waist  
  
So damn perfectly.  
  
Maybe I was to blind to see  
  
That Vince and Chris are so gay.*  
  
   
  
*Was it some move I did,  
  
Didn't pull it just right?  
  
My Stunner was harder than hell.  
  
If I could just find a way to get another title match, sometime soon*  
  
   
  
*I been sittin' here,  
  
Can't get you off my mind.  
  
I'm tryin' my best to be a man and be strong.  
  
I've drove Debra insane,  
  
Talkin' 'bout you all the day.  
  
But the truth remains you're gone.  
  
You're gone.  
  
Title, you're gone.  
  
Gold, you're gone.*  
  
   
  
*Now, I don't want to make anybody bleed.  
  
Well, actually, I do.  
  
But if there's some cheat that I could pull,  
  
Won't you please let me know?  
  
And time is passin' so slowly now,  
  
Because you're not here to shine.  
  
And maybe I could win the Euro belt  
  
But, Title, I don't want to.*  
  
   
  
*So I'll just hang around,  
  
Find some beer to drink  
  
To take my mind off missin' you.  
  
And I know in my heart,  
  
You can't say that you don't know I do.  
  
Please say you do. Yeah!*  
  
   
  
   
  
*I been sittin' here,  
  
Can't get you off my mind.  
  
I'm tryin' my best to be a man and be strong.  
  
I've drove Debra insane,  
  
Talkin' 'bout you all the day.  
  
But the truth remains you're gone.  
  
You're gone.  
  
Title, you're gone.  
  
Gold, you're gone.*  
  
   
  
*What will I do,  
  
If I can't polish you.  
  
Title, where will I turn to? Baby, ooh  
  
Now that we are apart  
  
You are still in my heart.  
  
Title, oh, can't you see  
  
That I need you here with me?*  
  
   
  
*I been sittin' here,  
  
Can't get you off my mind.  
  
I'm tryin' my best to be a man and be strong.  
  
I've drove Debra insane,  
  
Talkin' 'bout you all the day.  
  
But the truth remains you're gone.  
  
You're gone.  
  
Title, you're gone.  
  
Gold, you're gone.*  
  
   
  
-STEVE bows to thunderous applause. JADYN walks over, wiping a tear out of her eye-  
  
JADYN: Wow, Steve, that was great. Let's go to our judges.  
  
REMY: Homme, dat was wonderful. And de lyrics weren't bad eit'er. Remy gives you a nine!  
  
-STEVE grins-  
  
JADYN: All right. Spike?  
  
SPIKE: Man, you look just as great as a member of a boyband as you do wrestling. An eight, pet!  
  
-STEVE cheers-  
  
JADYN: I hope you meant me! All right, Shelly. Your turn.  
  
-SHELLY is weeping. She merely holds up the nine card-  
  
-STEVE lets out a big "What?"-  
  
JADYN: Okay. Your score is twenty-six, Steve. Go take a seat with Kurt.  
  
-STEVE goes and sits by KURT, who has regained conciousness-  
  
JADYN: Stay tuned! We'll be back after this!  
  
  


	3. And The Third Contestant Is...

Say Huh? Karaoke  
  
And The Third Contestant Is…  
  
   
  
Disclaimer: See chapter one.  
  
~~~  
  
-We open back up on JADYN, who is sitting in SPIKE'S lap-  
  
JADYN: Welcome back to 'Say Huh? Karaoke', the best rip-off of MTV you could hope for. And it's time for the last contestant. From somewhere, England, this guy specializes in the use of brass knuckles and the wearing of ugly shorts. Please welcome William Regal!  
  
-Unenthusiastic applause-  
  
JADYN: Hi Will. What are you going to sing for us today?  
  
WILLIAM: I'm going to sing my version of Janet Jackson's "Someone To Call My Lover".  
  
SPIKE: Hey, the bloke's English!  
  
JADYN: I told you that. Anyway, here's Willie Regal singing "Someone To Call My Lover".  
  
-The lights dim again and when they come back up, WILLIAM is wearing a gold zoot suit-  
  
WILLIAM:* Back in the ring again,  
  
Feelin' kind of weak and then  
  
Vince gave me brass knuckles  
  
To call mine.  
  
JR says I'm crazy 'cause  
  
I use the power of the punch.  
  
But I've never been disqualified,  
  
And that's fine.*  
  
   
  
*Maybe they'll knock you out  
  
Or make you fall right down.  
  
I'll pin you one, two, three  
  
And then you'll scream at me.  
  
But it don't matter 'cause,  
  
I've got your title belt.  
  
The ref will never know, maybe.*  
  
   
  
*Alright, maybe gonna win today  
  
I gotta find someplace to hide these knuckles  
  
Yeah baby, come on.  
  
Alright, in my shorts they'll have to stay  
  
I gotta find someplace else to hide these things*  
  
   
  
*I E Yi*  
  
   
  
*I beat Spike Dudley without my metal fists  
  
But I must have got him pissed.  
  
'Cause the runt came out and cheated  
  
So bad.  
  
With my own knucks  
  
He hit my head  
  
And stole my title, Euro champ  
  
But at least he made up with his bro,  
  
Bubba Ray.*  
  
   
  
*Maybe they'll knock you out  
  
Or make you fall right down.  
  
I'll pin you one, two, three  
  
And then you'll scream at me.  
  
But it don't matter 'cause,  
  
I've got your title belt.  
  
The ref will never know, maybe.*  
  
   
  
*Alright, maybe gonna win today  
  
I gotta find someplace to hide these knuckles  
  
Yeah baby, come on.  
  
Alright, in my shorts they'll have to stay  
  
I gotta find someplace else to hide these things*  
  
   
  
*I E Yi*  
  
   
  
*Maybe they'll knock you out  
  
Or make you fall right down.  
  
I'll pin you one, two, three  
  
And then you'll scream at me.  
  
But it don't matter 'cause,  
  
I've got your title belt.  
  
The ref will never know, maybe.*  
  
   
  
*Alright, maybe gonna win today  
  
I gotta find someplace to hide these knuckles  
  
Yeah baby, come on.  
  
Alright, in my shorts they'll have to stay  
  
I gotta find someplace else to hide these things*  
  
   
  
-WILLIAM bows. JADYN turns to REMY-  
  
JADYN: Lyrics, Gambit?  
  
REMY: Mon ami, your lyrical abilities are atrocious, and de tale you told was 'orrible. Remy says…six.  
  
-WILLIAM grumbles-  
  
JADYN: Okay. Spike?  
  
SPIKE: Well, his suit is less than appealing. Should'a gone with black pinstripes mate. But, since you're a fellow Englishman and all, I'll give you and extra point. Seven!  
  
JADYN: Okay, Bill. You've got a thirteen. Now Shelly.  
  
SHELLY: What can I say? You gotta love a guy who admits he cheats. Eight!  
  
JADYN: Okay. William, your score is twenty-one. Steve, Kurt, come out here.  
  
-STEVE and KURT come running out, still in their costumes-  
  
JADYN: Okay, our scores are Kurt with ten, William with twenty-one and Steve with twenty-seven. Unfortunately, we have to say good-bye to our contestant with the least points. And that's you Kurt! Bye!  
  
-KURT starts to cry again, and runs off-stage-  
  
JADYN: But our remaining competitors will go on to face… THE WHEEL OF ALMOST-DEATH! So, stay tuned!  
  
-JADYN leaps into REMY'S lap. KANE has somehow been transported into this show, and SHELLY is now chasing him around the stage. SPIKE is having a make-out session with a random fan. My god, I've created a monster…-  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
  


	4. THE WHEEL OF ALMOST-DEATH

Say Huh? Karaoke  
  
THE WHEEL OF ALMOST-DEATH  
  
   
  
Disclaimer: See chapter one  
  
~~~  
  
-The screen starts with a close-up of wheel with multi-colored spaces-  
  
JADYN: Time for the WHEEL OF ALMOST-DEATH! Steve, William, you're each going to spin this wheel and you have to sing one verse and the chorus of whatever song comes up.  
  
-STEVE and WILLIAM grimace-  
  
JADYN: Then, the judges score you. Let's go!  
  
-WILLIAM approaches the wheel. He spins it and it lands on "Whenever, Wherever" by Shakira-  
  
JADYN: Ready?  
  
-WILLIAM nods-  
  
WILLIAM:* Lucky that my lips not only mumble,  
  
They spill kisses like a fountain.  
  
Lucky that my breasts are small and humble,  
  
So you don't confuse them with mountains.  
  
Lucky I have strong legs like my mother,  
  
To run for cover when I need it.  
  
And these two eyes that for no other  
  
The day you leave will cry a river.*  
  
   
  
*Le lo lo le lo le  
  
Le lo lo le lo le  
  
At your feet,  
  
I'm at your feet*  
  
   
  
*Whenever, wherever  
  
We're meant to be together.  
  
I'll be there and you'll be near  
  
And that's the deal my dear.  
  
Hereover, thereunder  
  
You'll never have to wonder  
  
We can always play by ear  
  
But that's the deal my dear.*  
  
   
  
-WILLIAM finishes, blushing. JADYN walks over to him-  
  
JADYN: Okay judges, what do you think?  
  
REMY: Remy t'inks dat a man performin' dat song is pretty scary. You get an eight.  
  
SPIKE: Man, bloke, you're brave. Seven.  
  
SHELLY: Don't ever belly-dance in front of me again, Regal. Seven.  
  
JADYN: Alright William, that's a twenty-two. Steve, your turn.  
  
-STEVE spins the wheel. It lands on "Rest In Peace" by Spike-  
  
SPIKE: He doesn't have to sing. He gets a ten from me.  
  
JADYN: Shut up! Let's go Steve!  
  
-STEVE takes a deep breath and starts-  
  
STEVE: *I died so many years ago,  
  
But you can make me feel like it isn't so.  
  
And why you've come to be with me,  
  
I think I finally know.  
  
Mmm.  
  
You're scared, ashamed of what you feel  
  
And you can't tell the ones you love,  
  
You know they couldn't deal.  
  
Whisper in a dead man's ear,  
  
That doesn't make it real.*  
  
   
  
*That's great.  
  
But I don't wanna play.  
  
'Cause being with you touches me  
  
More than I can say.  
  
But since I'm only dead to you,  
  
I'm saying stay away…  
  
And let me rest*  
  
   
  
*Let me rest in peace  
  
Let me get some sleep  
  
Let me take my love and bury it  
  
In a hole six-foot deep.  
  
I can lay my body down  
  
But I can't find my sweet release  
  
Let me rest in peace!*  
  
   
  
-STEVE gives the thumbs-up to SPIKE-  
  
JADYN: Okay, scores?  
  
REMY: Nine, cher.  
  
SPIKE: Ten, luv.  
  
SHELLY: Nine. Gotta love the dimples!  
  
JADYN: Which gives Steve a score of twenty-eight, making him the winner!  
  
STEVE: What do I win? Huh?  
  
JADYN: A cherry popsicle. Join us next time on 'Say Huh? Karaoke'! Bye!  
  
-As we leave, STEVE is screaming in outrage. JADYN and REMY are snogging in his chair. SPIKE is having a conversation with SHELLY and KANE, who is bound and gagged on the floor. And in the corner of your eye, you can see the AUDIENCE sneaking out the back door as JADYN'S men dance on-stage. Thank God it's over… or is it?-  
  
  
  
(Just joking, it is…)  
  
   
  
   
  
A/N: The lyrics of "Wherever, Whenever" belong to Shakira. The lyrics of "Rest in Peace" belong to Joss Whedon. Don't sue me! 


End file.
